Greetings From The Desk of Darlene J. Harris

God Did Hear Me, But I Did Not Listen

It started off sweet and romantic, he had all the right moves. He walked with the bible and taught lessons of prayer. He called each morning at 5 A.M. to pray with me and talked about GOD all the time. Never was he not positive when I was negative about the daily life I lived out each day. This man said all the right things a woman wanted to hear.

Who would have thought as I began to pray to GOD to reveal anything that was not good in him to be shown to me? Is this man for me? All the signs were there, text me when you get here and call when you get home. All alone stating that I wanted to be with someone else while he was the one cheating all along.  Because I was the accused I had to defend myself every time saying, “it’s not me I am in this for the long haul” because my eyes were fogged with the bible man and God would not give me some one who walked and talked about him all the time.

Still praying to GOD please show me the things about this man that is not of you and if he is not for me then let me see them. Also GOD, please help me see the things that are not pleasing to you that I need to change about me. This man well groomed, smelling nice, talking a good game, became more aggressive with time, wanting to clock all of my time in a day as though I had to report for his duty every second or I would be punished. Ashamed to feel the feelings that I thought were love but only fear of having my neck snapped in a split second.

But all along, GOD was showing me and giving me a way out but I refused to listen. Still praying, God showed me and let me hear you because I knew something is not right. All along he was showing me in my sleep and while I was walking and talking with this man. Having to account for my every move in a course of a day, cell phone ringing, house phone ringing, not wanting me to be with my friends, wanting to move me far from family so they would have no involvement to interfere with his plan.

My friends had the chance to meet him and they only kept asking why, but if you’re happy then we are happy for you. They could see the anger and controlling spirit he had inside of him, but all I could see was that I cared for this man and needed to stand by him because he lost everything, his job, apartment and car. I had to drive in my car to a small town called Willow California round trip about 900 miles to help him get a job at Swift Transportation Company to pick up his 18 wheeler truck after arguing the night before when he told me he had a way to pick it up. After we picked the truck up I’m following behind in my car. As we traveled along the grapevine it started to snow, we were not allowed to continue on as we were told by the highway patrol so therefore, we were stuck for one day in the snow, with no clean clothes, not even a toilet to piss in. He had the money but refused to get a room. “Just get some sleep baby” he said to me. I cried all night long and he said “stop acting like a little baby”, there is nothing we can do but wait it out. While he slept in the cab of the truck he was snoring loud so all I could do was pray to GOD please get me home safe.  As the man, he should have made a way for transportation to get him there. He had a way of making me feel like I did not care about him, and I was not there for him by always saying things to me in a negative manner to question if I really wanted to be with him and I was just like everyone else meaning other people in his life. But when he went to jail, I drove 50 miles every weekend to see him to put money on his books at the orange county jail to meet his needs in jail. How can I not care for him? I felt as though GOD would want me to be there for him and not turn my back on him. When his family did not stand behind him I did, that was a sign right at that moment.

When he came home from being locked up for two months he stayed with me and I opened my house to him when his family would not open the door for him. But I did not understand, as I began to examine the family unit, I could see the abuse all around, the hurt in the family, controlling issues between the family, daddy instruct the wife and she did what he said, the daughter dictated to the parents and they did what she said. While the Father and son hating each other because they were so much alike and the only reasons his parents helped him is because I was in his life and they always told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Still I cared for him, took care of him and thought I loved him. Still praying to GOD, please let me see what is not right in him. Then one day he put a ring on my finger and wanted to run off and get married right away. I was so excited that someone wanted to love and marry me. Not looking at the real picture right in front of me that GOD showed me, I got caught up in the moment and I agreed to marry him. Then I wanted to change the date and he got so angry and felt everyone was against him and who was I talking to that they were putting thoughts in my head. He stated I was weak, and if I cared about him then I would not let anyone put things about him in my head. Then he would be so nice and sweet to me like nothing ever took place what another sign. And yet, I still cared for him as though I could not let go.

All in all he lied and kept things from me going through my personal belongs, throwing things in the trash from my thong panties to pictures of me and male friends that I have known over the years. When confronted he stated he never would do anything like that and go through my stuff, for whatever reason, I was tripping and acting stupid about what he said. Then he got angry and yelled, I was tripping over some guys picture from my past and I must wanted to be with him or something, then the shoving and pulling started. But GOD please show me things that are not right about this man, another sign. He then broke my bedroom door right before the police came to the house. When the police pulled up to the house he sat down real quick as the police stepped in the door asking me were things okay. I told the police he is leaving right now officer everything is just fine.

Some time has passed and he just kept coming around and I thought we could try to work things out. He continually kept telling me he loves me and never wants to hurt me and he just wants to take care of me put me in a house and have babies. When I leave work, text him, when I get in my car text him, when I am home text and then call him. I never needed to know anything about him as long as he knew where I was, that’s all that mattered. He always told me he did not like porn because he was a church man but he kept bringing porn into the house always asking me to get rid of it and when I did he got angry and started yelling at me. All I could say was, I did like you ask me to not aware that he was hiding vodka alcohol in my kitchen cabinets that he had been drinking all awhile and topping it off with bottle of wine. But he would say I don’t drink, I have so many pressures on me and I need you to give me sex to make me feel like a man. I hated having my legs pried open constantly all the time even when I said no, but all I got was baby I love you don’t you care about me and want to make me happy?

All awhile since him and his family were church folks, his father a pastor and him a deacon in the church, we decided to go to pre-marital counseling because I was still going to marry this man even though I saw the signs of this being all wrong. He was placing ads online looking for someone or the next victim to hurt and abuse, but I got wind of it and taped it and then confronted him. He lied to my face and said I did that for my sister I just want to be with you and only you, I love you so much and I want you to be my wife. God please let me see what is not right so I can move on, another sign and chance to walk away, but I chose to stay and help fix him because that is what I do and if I did not, God would not be pleased.

Going back and forth, back and forth finally he snapped, choked me, pushed me in my chest with his fist and punched me in my arm never the face. I kept asking him to leave my house, he refused and said, “You must have some guy coming over right after I leave”, not knowing that he stopped and turned a bottle up before he came over with a bottle of wine trying to stay the night. I kept asking him to leave and I told him you are not staying here you need to leave. He said he was drunk and can’t drive and why am I treating him like any guy on the street. He stood up got in my face and I said this time I am fighting back. He pushed me and I slapped then scratched him and that only made him madder. He pushed and grabbed me by the throat and threw me on the couch. He said he was not going anywhere since he was drunk and needed to stay. I got up from the couch and ran to the bedroom and he came after me, he grabbed the phone from me and said nobody would help me and he loves and cares about me. I ran back to the living room grabbed the other phone and pretended to call 911, I ran to the bathroom and hoped he could hear me talking, he kept screaming don’t do that he will leave. He said he was leaving so I waited for a couple of minutes and then came out and he was in the door way, I started taking as though someone was on the line praying that the phone would not ring. He backed out the door and I shut and locked the door. I asked God why did this happen to me all he had to do was leave me alone but I ignored all the signs. As I finally started to relax and have peace, my phone rang several times all morning and then he left a message saying he didn’t know what he did because he can’t remember what took place last night, He woke up with a hangover and just went to work, but I love you and would never hurt you call me so we can talk. GOD I have heard you for sure this time.