Who is Driving YOU?

Who is Driving YOU? –

The first step toward confronting

A working definition of driving: to guide, to control, or to direct

The desire to confront our abuser comes forth at various times and in many forms: anger, hate, vengeance, and, more often than not, an unforgiving heart. Who is pushing us to confront? Who is driving us to confront?! Personally, I thought I was strong enough to ask a simple question, but I never thought about how the response may add to the complications of the sexual assault/rape or other abuses we may have experienced.

When it comes to confronting our abuser(s), we need to know where the drive to confront them is coming from. Who is pushing the button to confront? Who is in control of our thought processes at this time? Who is driving us toward confronting?

I have a huge concern for the women and men who want to confront their abuser before they are properly prepared. Confronting your abuser(s) takes hard work, work that should be addressed prior to confronting him or her. Counseling, time, coming to grips with the act of sexual assault or any other abuses, and understanding the many responses and consequences that could come from the conversation is critical to our wellbeing more so than the abusers.

Are you ready?

There are questions I would urge you to think about if you think confronting is the best option for you. These questions are meant to steer the heart toward further questions that may lie beneath the surface.

Questions to ponder

• Am I ready for the response?
• How will I respond if he/she denies the abuse?
• Will I be okay regardless of the answer?
• What if he/she doesn’t deny the abuse?

“Why, you ask?” Because their response may cause a painful setback in your heart, mind, and spirit. The critical and most important question to consider is, why do I want to confront him/her? Is this a conversation that I need to have? Better said, what is my motive for confronting? You run the risk of the abuser not remembering or even considering their actions as rape or other crimes of sexual abuse.

What qualifies me to speak on confronting?

I can speak on confronting because I confronted my abuser after 10 years and I was not prepared for his response to the lingering question, “why did you rape me?” I didn’t know I was setting myself up for further complications and more “why” questions. I didn’t understand what rape or sexual assault meant and the effect it might have on me. And me on others.

Think of it like this: After major hurricanes hit, we are left with the rain, water, trash, and mud. This is also the aftermath of the hurricane that shakes our lives. As we attempt to clean up, shake it off, dress up and step back into a disarranged world, We can’t help but step into the mud, the aftermath of the hurricane, and we track it from one place to another leaving our muddy footprints wherever we go. It follows us to whatever situation we may find ourselves in and affects the lives of those we touch.

Consider

Often in life, we experience more than one major hurricane. Thus; the complications brought into our lives leaves us deeper and deeper entrenched in the debris (feelings and emotions) that can cause us to hurt others and cause pain. Yes, I’m still writing about confronting and maybe even asking the abuser(s) to remember and admit the way we want them to.

Back at the beginning

In closing, I find that I’m asking the same question as I asked in the beginning; who can be trusted to guide, control and give life direction? The decision is our responsibility. So, I ask who is driving you?

Feel free to email me for further discussion, comments or questions.

Suggested reading

Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan Allender, co-founder of The Allender Center and Professor of Counseling Psychology at The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology

The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, founding pastor of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California

Confident Identity by Matt Pavlik counseling practice, New Reflections is in Centerville, Ohio

These books are filled with scripture that you can search and find even more inspiration.

My story can be found in And He Restoreth My Soul An Anthology and at The International Forgiveness Institute