My Journey My Anger

ANGER is blinding and not because there is so much light, but because there is so much rage. By Darlene J. Harris

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As you can tell, this article is about ANGER, my Anger. This was a challenging article for me to write. Yet it revealed the changes I’ve been able to partner with God to make in my life. You may not suffer from ANGER as I did, but if you do, I hope you will be encouraged to turn and face the ANGER lurking in your heart! 

What I will try to share will be found in some of the following topics:

• Examples and/or stories about my challenges with ANGER
• Desperateness to know WHY
• Reaching out for help
• Where I am in my story is today
• Ending with A HOPE for change

ANGER is the Fuel of Vengeance.

My ANGER came out at inopportune times, such as you blackout during choir, and you aren’t sure what you said. Still, everyone is looking at you as if to say, “okay, I don’t know what just happened, but I don’t think it is a good time to move.” Or when your boyfriend ANGERs you,and when you are back to yourself, you are holding a knife. They look at you and ask, “What are you going to do with that?”

I remember putting on brand new clothes to go to work and to get fired. I was going to tell someone off because of how they treated me. I snarled at myself in the mirror that morning. That is also the morning I drove into work and got lost. I didn’t remember going nor where I was until I looked up and recognized the building where I worked.

The Devastation of ANGER.

These are a few examples of the ANGER I carried in my mind, heart, and body. I’m sharing this about my ANGER not because I’m on an ego trip, or I have arrived. But I want something different for you. No one has to live with ANGER.

ANGER will cause problems: physical, mental, emotional, and a host of other challenges. ANGER is not your friend, and for sure it wasn’t mine.

I’ve had many escapades with ANGER; many dances with ANGER. Believe me, ANGER can’t dance!

Have you wanted to know why a person did something that hurt you and marked you for life? Left your heart wounded and riddled with pain? You thought if you knew why it might help ease the pain. Or, it might take the problem away. If he answered, “Why he raped me”, I would be okay. NOT!

WHY?

Hearing the answer to WHY only opened the flood gates to the same pain I had experienced that night.

When I asked the question, he answered casually and calmly “BECAUSE.” This was not the response I thought I would hear. No, this wasn’t what I needed to hear. I was hurting, my heart crushed, and he says, “BECAUSE!”

I guess I thought after ten years he would have thought about what he did and would be sorry. BUT NO, whatever he had thought about over the last ten years wasn’t about being sad or sorry for what he did. Or was it BECAUSE he needed to know the truth. If what the other guys boosted to him about me was the truth. What a poor excuse he gave! Oh, how sad!

Yes, it took ten years later for me to see him and ask WHY?

You might ask why it was so crucial for me to know Why? I had lived with Why for a long time. I yearn to understand how one who claims to care could hurt me. Wouldn’t you want to know why?

But that was the day ANGER became an underground ruling force in my life. No one would ever hurt me again was etched on my heart, and in my mind—the decision I made.

Again embarrassment, guilt, and shame poured into my soul. You can hide ANGER for a little while, but it seeps out a drop here and a drop there. Don’t be fooled; the drops are harmful and can’t always be masked. The drops are the beginning of something big and more significant growing within us.

But I would live with ANGER awhile longer.

I’ve shared a some of the background with you about my trials, and challenges with ANGER. But I need to share what it took for me to meet ANGER face-to-face and how I live with ANGER today!

I thought I was strong enough to ask a simple question. Years passed, but ANGER hadn’t, and it changed me.

Asking WHY or Confronting the abuser takes a lot of work.

My first try at “WHY or Confronting” was a failure. I wasn’t ready for WHY or Confronting! I soon discovered that WHY came with unimaginable complications.

Asking the question, “WHY” takes a lot of work? It was work I had not done. The kind of work that would help me face the answer to WHY. The work that would free me to walk away regardless of the response. I never thought asking WHY would be overwhelming, but for certain it was.

Asking WHY or Confronting the abuser is not a simple task!

The complications of WHY took me back to the night of the assault.

The Consciousness of ANGER

ANGER seemed to become a horrifying lion living in me. Raising it’s ugly head to take over when my yesterdays would colide with my todays.

ANGER is tiring. Exhaustion had set in, and I knew I needed help.

Reaching out for help. It doesn’t pay to be stubborn (me), and Pride isn’t a friend you want to have when you are in trouble. When you are hurting and don’t know what to do, The “i” in pride will not help.

Proverbs 16:18 NASB Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before stumbling.

I got help, but it was hard, and oh, how I hurt! My therapist gave me several ways to help me cope, especially with ANGER. One way that worked was to rate my level of ANGER on a scale of 1-10 or more. The more I stayed in the present time, the lower my ANGER. This one still comes in handy!

I could no longer avoid ANGER that was blinding. That was a sign my ANGER was tied to yesterday’s hurts and disappointments.

A lack of communication skills was one of my problems. I didn’t deal with conflict well. I was an either-or person; I either went for the jugular then and there or became vengeful. I spent time learning about relationships. The  strife and struggles that happens between people. Most of all I learned conflict is a part of life; thus, my belief system about ANGER slowly change.

The change in what I believed about ANGER helped me learn to address my problems. I’m an only child, and I didn’t understand confrontation. I didn’t know it was a normal part of life. Confronting wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. But it is vital to my well-being.

The lack of communication skills can be a huge problem. If speaking your heart is hard for you, someone can help you. If confrontation is hard for you, there is someone who can help you. If there is a flaw in your pattern of making decisions, someone can help you discover how to make better choices. Choices that bring calmness to your spirit.

Living with ANGER in today’s world will not get more comfortable.

ANGER creeps in with all the challenges we face day after day. The racial tension is as high as the COVID-19 Pandemic. Unemployment, along with the up’s and downs of the stock market. Children worry about their family and about living to see tomorrow. The Presidential Candidates make promises that are hard to keep. Yet we want to see those promises come true. 

Anger lurks around every corner and you and I can’t allow this world’s evil to rule over our hearts and actions.

You and I have an obligation, a responsibility, and we will be held accountable.

Galatians 6:7 NASB Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap.

We must learn a different way to work with ANGER. Meeting ANGER head-on can happen but not without the Lord .

Galatians 6:9 NASB Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.

If you have the rage of ANGER in your heart don’t grow weary in making the changes you may need to make. You too, can partner with God for change. Are you ready?

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All scripture is fromNew American Standard Bible (NASB)Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation